I Talk Myself Out Of It

I have a bad habit. Okay, I have many bad habits. The one in particular weighing on my mind is my tendency to talk myself out of things.

Many's the time I've had a plan in mind, or a shadow of a plan, and over time have managed to convince myself that it was not a good idea in the first place.

The instance in question today is the fact that I had thought about getting my hair professionally cut (for the first time in almost 3 years) and colored (for the first time ever, thank you, Nice n' Easy) as sort of a gift to myself for my 30th birthday, which is in 6 days in case you were wondering. And I thought about doing it tonight since I have things to do this weekend and, well, my hair's in pretty sad condition. Sad, gray condition.

Of course I won't go through with it. I've already decided it was a bad idea and that I'll be better off self-trimming and coloring as I have been for ages.

And I wonder why that is. It's not a bad thing to be frugal or at least to not be overly frivolous, certainly. But unless I am completely seat-of-my-pants about a decision, I always start thinking too much. And eventually that leads to standing in front of the bathroom mirror with a pair of scissors in my hands. And no, I'm not saying that haircuts are frivolous. But already I'm thinking "Well, I should really just do chores tonight since I'll be out all day tomorrow, instead of spending the evening at the salon". So that's probably what I'll do.

Good times!

Ponderings

Random things I ponder throughout my day:

Why do *some* people on trains feel the need to speak with their outdoor voice while on their cell? I mean, I talk on the phone sometimes when I'm on the train, but I talk in a low voice, directly into the mouth area thingy. Why? Because no one else wants to hear the details of my life. Unless they're that creepy kid from Temple who used to sit next to or behind me all the time. Ugh, just remembered - school starts soon. Well, maybe he graduated or transferred.

Why is it that just when the urge to pee is at its worst, the bathroom is being cleaned? And when am I going to figure out that it's cleaned at pretty much the same time each day?

Why do cookies have to be so delicious? This is not an everyday thought, and you can pretty much substitute "cookies" for any yummy food I see throughout the day.

Why do people assume that just because you don't have children, you don't know about children or aren't interested in them? Or maybe this isn't everyone. Maybe this is just a certain person I work with who was just showing off her new baby. Grrr.

Why are some people so stupid? Scratch that. Why are most people so stupid?

What is up with hypocrisy? I mean, seriously?

Back that up!

It started innocently enough, back when I first was reassigned to my old stomping grounds. Data processing. The department I was first hired into in February 2004. This past January I was thrown back into the thick of it, having been away for around 2 1/2 years. Needless to say, some things had changed. I'd been kept abreast of some changes through my chatter with my coworkers, but when it all went down this past winter, I was left alone. With no one to guide me. It was sink or swim.

I swam and am still swimming. Upstream most of the time, but swimming.

Anyway, back when all these changes first came about it was requested that I create a manual of sorts, since I was as of that moment the only person the company who knew how to do what I do and, well, that's just not a good thing. What wasn't taken into consideration at that time of great upheaval was that, well, I'm the only person who knows how to do what I do...so I need to do what I do and not worry about "extra" stuff. Namely, my manual.

Fast forward 6 months. Now I have vacation in...wait for it...36 days. Siiiiiigh. However, I need to have my stuff together well in advance of that time so I can go over things with the people in question. Not only that, but...I'd like to take another day off at some point. Since I'll have 10 left over even with the Disney trip.

This manual has become the obsession of my life. It's currently 107 pages and I feel as though I've just scratched the surface. There are chapters, there are screenshots, there will be a table of contents when I finally get around to it. It will be epic. Because once you think of one thing you do, and you pick it up and dust it off and try to come up with how to explain it...you look down and realize there were three other tasks hiding under that first one. And on and on. But at least I'm making it a priority!

Yaaaaawn

Trying to start day 1 of making changes in your life is not so easy when you barely slept the night before. Just sayin'...

Time to change

I have a lot on my mind tonight.

I always become very pensive and introspective on Sunday nights, it seems. Sunday night means that Monday morning is fast approaching. Monday morning means the prospect of another week of work. Another week of work means another week of doing something I really don't particularly love doing but do because, well, it's a paycheck.

And a paycheck is all fine and good, of course. It's a darn good thing to have, and I'm pretty happy that there's another one coming my way at the end of this week.

However, it doesn't make up for the fact that I feel completely empty when I think of going there again. It doesn't hide the fact that I feel as though I could be doing so much more with my life.

I take a good honest look at myself and I'm disappointed with what I see.

I see a soon-to-be 30 year old woman who has spent her entire life waiting for someone to tell her 'Ok, it's time to start living'. I've been waiting for someone to give me the green light, and I resent the fact that no one has been able to live up to that standard. I resent myself for needing that. And I resent myself for not even knowing what I would do if that mythical green light were to be flashed in my direction. I resent myself for holding others responsible for my happiness because I'm too immature or lazy or afraid (all three, really) to grab the reins for any prolonged period of time and take responsibility for myself. It's way too easy to want someone else to do it for me. And no one has because no one can. It's unfair to those around me and it's unfair to me as well.

So what do I do?

For starters, I make a promise to myself and to you (4) readers that I will maintain this blog more faithfully. I want it to be a symbol and a marker for my progress.

I will stop coming home from work at night and collapsing because it's the easy thing to do.

I will stop making excuses for my unwillingness to pull myself out of this...THING I've managed to get myself into where I hate myself and my life. Sorry, Rob, but I do. You make me very happy and I'm very happy you're my husband - but that's little consolation when the thought of waking up in the morning fills me with despair. I know you know how that feels.

I will stop living the same cycle over and over.

I will stop blaming others for my shortcomings and will instead focus the attention solely on myself. It's not enough to see myself clearly - I've always seen myself clearly. It's how I can so easily see lack of ambition and drive in others, because I see it in myself. I will now take the most vital step of making corrections in my less-than-admirable traits.

I will see my goals clearly and work towards them. Even if my first goals are exercising every morning and working on this blog every day. That's something right there. I've never been the type to follow through with things or keep them up. And I'm the only one who can change that. I simply can't live the rest of my life this way.

As I said, I hope to record my progress here and therefore make it real for myself and those around me. I hope I manage to stick to it. I hope I manage to conquer myself for once.