Time to change

I have a lot on my mind tonight.

I always become very pensive and introspective on Sunday nights, it seems. Sunday night means that Monday morning is fast approaching. Monday morning means the prospect of another week of work. Another week of work means another week of doing something I really don't particularly love doing but do because, well, it's a paycheck.

And a paycheck is all fine and good, of course. It's a darn good thing to have, and I'm pretty happy that there's another one coming my way at the end of this week.

However, it doesn't make up for the fact that I feel completely empty when I think of going there again. It doesn't hide the fact that I feel as though I could be doing so much more with my life.

I take a good honest look at myself and I'm disappointed with what I see.

I see a soon-to-be 30 year old woman who has spent her entire life waiting for someone to tell her 'Ok, it's time to start living'. I've been waiting for someone to give me the green light, and I resent the fact that no one has been able to live up to that standard. I resent myself for needing that. And I resent myself for not even knowing what I would do if that mythical green light were to be flashed in my direction. I resent myself for holding others responsible for my happiness because I'm too immature or lazy or afraid (all three, really) to grab the reins for any prolonged period of time and take responsibility for myself. It's way too easy to want someone else to do it for me. And no one has because no one can. It's unfair to those around me and it's unfair to me as well.

So what do I do?

For starters, I make a promise to myself and to you (4) readers that I will maintain this blog more faithfully. I want it to be a symbol and a marker for my progress.

I will stop coming home from work at night and collapsing because it's the easy thing to do.

I will stop making excuses for my unwillingness to pull myself out of this...THING I've managed to get myself into where I hate myself and my life. Sorry, Rob, but I do. You make me very happy and I'm very happy you're my husband - but that's little consolation when the thought of waking up in the morning fills me with despair. I know you know how that feels.

I will stop living the same cycle over and over.

I will stop blaming others for my shortcomings and will instead focus the attention solely on myself. It's not enough to see myself clearly - I've always seen myself clearly. It's how I can so easily see lack of ambition and drive in others, because I see it in myself. I will now take the most vital step of making corrections in my less-than-admirable traits.

I will see my goals clearly and work towards them. Even if my first goals are exercising every morning and working on this blog every day. That's something right there. I've never been the type to follow through with things or keep them up. And I'm the only one who can change that. I simply can't live the rest of my life this way.

As I said, I hope to record my progress here and therefore make it real for myself and those around me. I hope I manage to stick to it. I hope I manage to conquer myself for once.